Recently at the Chaos Communication Camp I sat down with a group of ‘queer geeks’. We shared, with the world, our experience with and our feelings surrounding being queer in the hacker-scene. We convened in the middle of a rainy night in a make-shift studio in a tent and had a very profound discussion on the camp radio Binary Voice. I have not really expressed myself in that session a lot, but listening back to the recording I can not help but wanting to elaborate.

At the end of the show I say I think it is fantastic to be queer. While that sounds like an easy thing to proclaim, I have not always thought so. In fact, up until around 20 I really hated myself for being gay. My environment constantly gave me a lot of signals that being gay is somehow wrong, and although I never had to endure the physical violence that, for example, Mitch Altman had to endure it did scar me psychologically.

I denied that part of myself until I ended up with suicidal tendencies with a psychiatrist. During those sessions I first explored this part of my identity. By then, I had reverted to substance abuse (alcohol, weed, xtc, hallucinogens, you name it) to aid in the impossible task of pretending I had no sexual preference for boys. I mean, sexuality is such an integral part of our being, to deny that is like to deny that one breathes.

Imagine the constant struggle, fantasizing about boys and falling in love with your male classmates while at the same time strongly believing it is wrong and must never surface. That’s hard. Really hard. I don’t think I can aptly describe what that did to me to anyone who has not gone through the same struggle.

When I came out to friends and family and labelled myself gay, I thought I was there. I partied like mad in the local gay scene, thought I was complete. Yet, the years of denial and coping mechanisms were not easily dismissed. Somehow, the feeling it was somehow wrong persisted. It was hard for me to assimilate within a new group and tell them I am queer. It really felt like an obstacle, I feared I would not be accepted for who I am.

The way the world was treating me still lead to a lot of frustration. The Dutch word ‘homo’ was (and still is) being used as a derogate term. It is a word some reserve for their worst enemies, for the people they deject the most. I got really angry about that, but instead of using that anger to change things in a positive way I let it build up inside me like a cancer.

I still feel hurt when people use the word ‘gay’ as a derogate term. Within certain subcultures of the hacker scene, especially those where kids measure their hacking abilities bragging about their conquests in some sort of nerdy masochism, it is socially acceptable to use language that hurts people. It is encouraged even. Bashing queers is, unfortunately, an easy way to get accepted within certain peer groups.

Usually the usage of the word gay as a way of dismissing someone is out of carelessness though. I have rarely found anyone who really has problems with queerness. It is habitual use of language, no conscious speech act. I tend to say something when I observe this. I try to explain how that same careless use of words almost drove me to end my life, kill myself.

I hope that will make people think. I know it has made people think. And I hope that with that I can contribute in making it easier for young kids out there who have similar issues as I did have.

For myself, I have found peace in that regard. I am openly queer, and will take every opportunity I can to let the world know. I love my life as such, and while I am still struggling with the psychological scars and addictive behaviour left from that time I do celebrate my queerness every opportunity I get.

It really makes me cry when I think of those young ones out there who might be gay, bisexual or whatever and are going through what I went through. I want to help them become themselves. I am glad that The Netherlands has the COC, an organisation that furthers queer emancipation but also supports anyone who is going through the process of coming out of the closet. I know some of my friends take issues with their political ways, but for me the real value of the COC is the sheer support one gets from being safe among peers who have had similar issues. When I finally acknowledged my homosexuality at 20, it helped me so much just to be able to go there and talk, listen and make friends with like-minded people. I have deep respect for the volunteers going into the classrooms, educating adolescents about the rich tapestry of queerness.

A few years after I came out, I had a profound experience. A friend whom I knew from the hardcore scene (gabber, speed, happy is for homos) called me, and started talking about how he heard about my coming out. To my surprise, he told me he was gay too. I had never expected this to come from that particular peer group, yet just by being openly queer it all of a sudden became acceptable for others as well. And that, for me, acknowledges the fact that just by being myself I can help.

I am therefore very proud of the show we did at CCC. We had a unique gathering of queer geeks at the table, openly talking about their deepest feelings, most horrible experiences and also the joy of being who you are. I really hope kids (and adults!) out there who struggle with their own sexual identity listen to it and can find support in the wise words spoken. Already a day after the show, Mitch told me about people coming out right there and then.

As a final thought, I want to emphasize that just putting the label ‘gay’ on myself is not the end but merely the beginning of the exploration of my own sexuality. Yes, I really like guys. And for a while I even went to the other extreme: I would deny every feeling I could possibly have for someone of the female (or whatever other) sex. I am slowly coming around, and realize things aren’t binary.

I have several friends who also do not tend to fit in the dominant social paradigm (to quote Mitch from the aforementioned show) of the monogamous heterosexual relationship, and are finding ways to deal with that while still existing within that dominating model. It is hard sometimes, but it is a lot of fun as well. And true hapiness, I believe, can only be found by following ones heart without regarding what others might think or judge you by.

Anyway, I encourage each and everyone (also if you do not consider yourself to be queer) to go and download that recording. And most of all, I encourage everyone out there to be themselves. And if that is hard somehow, know that there are a whole bunch of persons that have gone through it already and that are more than willing to talk. To listen. Do not hesitate to contact any of us on the panel (me, Mitch, Jimmy, Maha, Socialhack, Willow, Fabien and Tomate).

Be excellent!

People soldering

Although my visit to this years winter-event was cut short, I’m glad I got to spend some time at the eth0 event yesterday. The winterlan is like a way-scaled-down version of the yearly ccc conferences (of which the 27c3 was the latest edition). There are plenty of differences, but the concept is the same: put a lot of smart people in the same physical space and let them make things happen!

Normally, I travel by car to such events, loading it up with whatever I can grab from my hackerspace, Revelation Space. For reasons I’ll disclose below, this year I had to travel by train and thus light. All I was able to bring was an ikea box full of soldering irons, kits and miscellaneous tools. Luckily, this proved to be enough to provide a soldering workshop on Friday night. It was fun to see how the room reserved for this quickly filled up with nerd-toys, such as a dremel workstation, various lab-bench power supplies, a digital scope, logic analyzers and what have you. Word has that today, a laser cutter, makerbot and vinyl plotter will also arrive.

Meanwhile, in the lounge, I found a friend willing to provide me a crash-course in VHDL. This is the language used to ‘program’ FPGA’s. Basically, you describe a logical circuit built of basic building blocks such as flip-flops, logic gates and function blocks in a high level of abstraction. This then gets compiled into an actual wiring for an FPGA chip. My friend had ported Conway’s game of life into this language and it was intriguing to see how this translated into logic gates. Definitely a subject worth picking up some time.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of fun, educational and simply enjoyable contacts one can have at this event. Tickets are still available by the way, and you don’t have to be a hard-core hacker to attend. It’s in Zevenaar, near Arnhem. So if you’re interested in electronics, computer security, retro-gaming, micro-controllers, lock-picking or any other intellectual challenge, check out the website.

The reason my visit was cut short, by the way, is that I’m currently heading towards Toronto, Canada for the ctrl-x-ethics workshop. Here I will meet the likes of Jacob Appelbaum, Seth Hardy, Rafal Rohozinski, Nart Villeneuve and other such smart and interesting people to discuss ethics in security research. Not an all together lousy excuse to miss eth0, I’d say.

One of the workbenches at the eth0 hardware lab

Miami Beach, the closest thing to paradise I have yet experienced. Sea, sun and shirtless skaters. I have a new goal in life: to live in Miami. Well. Maybe. Anyway, I seem to have messed up my hotel booking, it is from 13th – 14th of December instead of 3th to 4th. A quick call with the booking agency has the matter resolved, albeit in a somewhat more expensive hotel. It is still at the beach though, so I’m not complaining. It is good to have an entire room and bathroom to myself for once!

After dumping my luggage, I take a stroll along the beach. It’s around 22 degrees Celsius, but under the glare of the sun it feels like at least 30. I could live with that, walking around in shirt and shorts in early December. Now, there is no hackerspace in Miami. But, I used to watch a lot of Miami Vice when I was young, so I had to stop by. It’s all there, the palm trees, the wide roads flanked by pastel-tinted art-deco low-rise buildings. I don’t seem to detect any of the vicious crime and drug-smuggling though, but no doubt if I had looked it could be found.

After a good nights sleep, it is time to start my journey back home. Starting with the return of the rental car at Miami International Airport. It is an emotional goodbye. After 8762.8 miles, this car feels like home. In fact, it is the closest thing to home I have had for 6 weeks. It has served me well, never asking for much and always ready to take on endless roads through cold and hot weather. Never complaining when I revved up the engine to swerve through the armadas of crazy Boston drivers or insane New York City cabbies. Thank you Ford Focus with Nevada license plate 402WUM. I shall miss you.

I manage to get through security without too much groping or invasive body scans, and end up having 3 hours to kill. T-Mobile is letting me down again, so I purchase some crappy wifi and check my mail. I feel a bit depressed. It is really over now. I will miss this country. I think I might have fallen in love with it. I had never expected this!

By the time we lift off night has fallen. It is a dark but clear night. Miami is a sea of orange lights below. Soon, the lights thin out into lines demarcating the strip-malls and occasional suburb along the highway. Until it is pitch dark down there. The only light coming from the flash-bulb on the wing and the interior cabin lights.

A 22-hour layover awaits, so I collect my bags and walk out into the cold Washington DC air. I wait for the hotel shuttle. Wait some more. And some more. By now I have seen all of the other hotels’ shuttles 3 times it seems so I decide to give the hotel a call. Should’ve done that earlier, the clerk says “I’ll send the shuttle right over sir!”.

Well, anyway, safely in the hotel room I enjoy the complimentary chocolate-chip cookie as I zap around American television. No Sonic & Knuckles at this hour (I do love that Knuckles character!), but I fall asleep to some family guy and American dad. Forgot to turn off the heating though, which I regret as I wake up that morning with a slight headache.

After checking out I order some lunch in the hotel restaurant. The two handsome young waiters compliment me on my dreads, making my day again! I wish people in Europe would notice the awesomeness of my dreads some more.

It seems the TSA personnel at Dulles International Airport is not really into it. The naked body scanners are all switched off, and apart from taking of my shoes and veering through the metal detector I can go through security without too much hassle. Not even a quick pat-down. Should I feel less secure now??

When the plane lifts off, it is dark again. Looking out the window I see the lights of Washington DC grow more distant as the plane climbs to cruising altitude. I silently say goodbye to America. I’ve had a wonderfully good time down there. I miss it already.

Thanks so much to all and everyone who made this trip possible. Whether it is by putting me up for a night or two, by engaging me in fun activities at the various hackerspaces or just by pointing out fun and interesting things to do. If I can ever reciprocate the favor, you know where to find me!

So long and thanks for all the fish, Americans.

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Vanmiddag was ik bij de 4e aflevering van Fill the gap! Een seminar over ICT en ontwikkelingssamenwerking, kortgezegd over de digital divide en het slechten hiervan. De digital divide, mooi gevisualiseerd (pdf) door de govcom.org foundation, is in feite de splitsing tussen degenen die de beschikking hebben over computers en internet en zij die dit niet hebben. Vandaag stond het bedrijfsleven centraal. De lokatie was enigszins apart: het Paard in Den Haag. Vandaar dat ik nu in een naar kots stinkend hoekje van de kleine zaal zit te luisteren naar de keynote sprekers.

Prof dr. Jacqueline Cramers is de eerste keynote speaker, zij spreekt over duurzaam ondernemen: de balans tussen people, profit en planet. Dilemma’s voortkomend uit deze balans zijn met name sociale issues, niet het milieu, aldus Jacqueline. Ondernemingen in ontwikkelingslanden hebben vaak te maken met botsing van lokale regels en wetten en internationale richtlijnen. Deze zijn namelijk niet altijd in overeenstemming. Belangrijk is dat buitenlandse bedrijven in ontwikkelingslanden daadwerkelijk bijdragen aan de lokale economie. Dus niet alleen maar halen, maar ook geven (bijvoorbeeld door normale lonen, ontwikkeling van bv. IT-infrastructuur en kennisuitwisseling, sponsoring en gewoon liefdadigheid). Hier zien we een tendens naar meer nadruk op sponsoring en relatie met kernactiviteiten, omdat dit een betere garantie op continuiteit biedt. Doordat grote bedrijven die maatschappelijk verantwoord ondernemen ook eisen stellen aan hun toeleveranciers is dit ook voor kleine, en nationale MKB’s van belang.

Tweede keynote kwam van Marten Pieters van Celtel, sprekend vanuit de praktijk. Celtel doet mobiele telefonie in Afrika, dit is een enorm continent en het aanleggen van een electronische infrastructuur wordt ook nog eens bemoeilijkt door de slechte wegen. Ook electriciteit is niet beschikbaar, en daken om de masten op te plaatsen zijn er niet. Celtel maakt veel gebruik van lokale arbeiders om deze masten te bouwen en bijvoorbeeld generators voor electriciteit af en toe bij te tanken. Het bedrijf Celtel is inmiddels overgenomen door een oliebedrijf in Koeweit, er ontstaat dus nu een geldstroom van de Arabische landen naar Afrika. De originele aandelhouders (ontwikkelingsfondsen e.d.) hebben door deze verkoop flink winst gemaakt, allemaal geld dat nu weer in Afrika kan worden geinvesteerd. Hoewel Celtel natuurlijk gewoon een commercieel bedrijf is, staat de waarde ‘Making life better’ centraal. Een duurzame ontwikkeling van telecommunicatie in Afrika draagt hieraan bij. Daardoor kunnen mensen bijvoorbeeld communiceren met familieleden duizenden kilometers verderop. De banen die Celtel in Afrika creeert zijn schoon. Geen productiewerk, maar vooral kantoorbanen en high-tech banen. Aan het einde van zijn betoog, naar aanleiding van een vraag uit het publiek, maakt hij nog een interessante opmerking: het gebrek aan internet in Afrika heeft geen technische reden. Er ligt genoeg glasvezel, maar het probleem is dat deze bij lokale ‘PTT’tjes uitkomen, en deze hier ontzettend hoge bedragen voor vragen. Daarom gebruikt iedereen satelliet voor internet, maar dit is veel minder goed te schalen.

Aan het einde van de middag een panel discussie, waarin ter sprake komt dat ‘maatschappelijk verantwoord ondernemen’ iets anders is dan af en toe een maatschappelijk verantwoord project uit te voeren (zoals Ordina dit doet, door gratis IT consultants ter beschikking te stellen). Echt maatschappelijk verantwoord ondernemen betekent dat het in de kern van je bedrijf zit.

Bij Ordina, een bedrijf dat te maken heeft met aandeelhouders, is dat inderdaad problematisch. Duurzaam en maatschappelijk verantwoord ondernemen is daar pas interessant als het direct winst of besparing oplevert. Het gratis ter beschikking stellen van consultants voor maatschappelijke doelen is vooral PR. Overigens, dit hoorde ik vorige week op een bijeenkomst van de digitale pioniers, is het vaak ook een wolf in schaapskleren om van grote bedrijven dit soort diensten aan te nemen. Daar vertelde iemand mij namelijk, dat toen het project heel goed ging lopen, de onderneming er een melkkoe in zag en de boel volledig overnam. Oppassen dus met dat soort beursgenoteerde bedrijven, het zijn in essentie geldwolven!

De tweede ronde van de discussie gaat over beleid. Het ministerie van buitenlandse zaken is van mening dat ICT projecten in ontwikkelingslanden duurzaam moeten zijn. Het model van Microsoft (eerst 2 jaar gratis aanbieden, dan grof geld gaan vragen) is dat dus niet. Hoe het nu wel moet, dat blijft lastig. Het moet eigenlijk niet komen van de overheid, maar just van de bedrijven zelf, aldus sommigen. Extra regeltjes en regelingen (en er zijn er al een hoop, getuige de vele afkortingen die op een gegeven moment door de zaal vlogen) zorgen niet voor transparantie, en bieden weer allerlei kansen voor misbruik.

Er was ook nog een beurs, met stands, maar daarvan heb ik helaas niet veel meegekregen omdat ik bezig was mijn acrobat reader aan de praat te krijgen om belastingaangifte loonheffingen te kunnen doen. Ook de borrel moet ik overslaan: ik moet nog naar Utrecht om de werkgroep oss van GroenLinks voor te zitten!